Getting over heartbreak by first and foremost... honouring your heart

Getting over heartbreak is excruciating. It rips us open — there's no other way to say it. It's a death of sorts. Temporarily, the death of hope. Heartbreak takes us to our knees, and makes us wonder if we'll ever be able to get up.

I include a section of heartbreak on my site, because: believe me, I've been there. But if it wasn't for the heartbreak... I wouldn't be who or where I am today, stronger and more contented than I've ever been!

How not to get over heartbreak

Well, here's how not to do it. Don't try to eliminate it by stuffing your pain with new relationships or addictions like food, sex, alcohol or work. It's avoidance and it won't work. When we avoid the natural emotions that come with being heartbroken, we'll not only sacrifice our health, but we'll likely attract the same situation again.

Why? Because all of those beliefs, decisions and behaviours that lead us to being heartbroken stay stuck. All that karma stays stuck. Therefore, you'll continue to attract similar experiences, until you're ready to face yourself. Nuff said.

A deep dive into your own heart...

There may be a moment where you feel you have no choice: either go deeper into your own heart, or check out. The moment you decide to take that deep dive into your own heart truthfully, honouring where you are...will signal the beginning. You may even choose to emarak on a profound journey of spiritual awakening (in your own way)... during which you become more self-aware and whole.

Ideas to consider if you're heartbroken...

If you're currently getting over heartbreak, here are some ideas to consider.

Have you heard of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross? In the 60's, she proposed stages of grief around death and dying. I've modified them a tad, for those who are getting over heartbreak. For heartbreak is also a loss.

It's a perspective to consider. And a way to help you fully process your grief... and allow it to transform you.

If you're getting over heartbreak, you may experience these stages more or less in order, though you may shuffle back and forth a bit, too. Don't get caught up in the details. You'll do it your way, and that's fine.

1. Denial — “Woo hoo I am FREE!” or “This can't be happening”

Denial is a coping mechanism. It might be a feeling of shock, or a feeling of euphoria, depending on you. When it comes to getting over heartbreak, both are forms of avoidance. When we're in denial, we haven't yet grounded our heartbroken experience in real life. So it stays there, in our body.

2. Anger — ”Not again!“ ”Not fair“ “It's all their fault!”

In the second stage, we get pissed off, usually because it feels a heck of alot better than being sad. We may swear off relationships and honestly, we may be a bit of a drag to be around. Some folks may also act out by dating compulsively — ick. Yes, anger is necessary to name and process... but woah. It's not a good place to hang out for long, if you're interested in getting over heartbreak long-term.

3. Bargaining — “I'll be different” “I'll do anything”

The third stage of getting over heartbreak, involves our wistful hope of return and desire to do anything to make it happen. Sometimes there's a real opportunity for reconciliation at this stage. Other times, the ‘negotiation’ is made with a higher power. This is another way of us spinning in circles, doing everything to (understandably!) avoid the next stage.

4. Depression — “I miss him...’ “Why bother?”

In this stage of getting over heartbreak, reality sinks in and sadness wells up. Heartbroken, we may shun others, taking time to cry, or we may need to talk. This is what we've been running from... the pain. Yet it's so important to honour. For if we don't... the energy of our grief gets lodged in our cells, instead of processed through them. There are many ways to let go, use your intuition. Here's a homeopathic remedy I've personally used dissolves emotional issues on a cellular level

5. Acceptance — “It's going to be okay” “I'm movin' on”

In this last stage of getting over heartbreak, the depression lifts and we come to terms with the end of the relationship or our new reality after the loss or trauma. We actively emerge from being heartbroken to embracing our new beginning, free to make new choices in life... and in love. We may look for ways to help others like ourselves.

More on getting over heartbreak

Here are some things that worked for me when I was getting over heartbreak. Please be gentle with yourself. It takes time. Also — know that I'm not a mental health professional — these are the things that have worked for me personally. Don't stop seeking what works for you.

For one week, give yourself permission to have a pity-party

It takes some time getting over heartbreak, but it's most acute in the first couple of weeks. You want the feelings to move through, not lodge in your body, so for one week (stretch it to two if you must), let it all out. Get selfish. Talk if you're a talker. Take time to yourself, if you're not. Play music that makes you cry — and cry hard! Rent soppy movies. Read my book Moondance. Radically self-nurture. After two weeks, you're going to feel better. Then, so you don't lose your friends, ease up. ☺ Repeat the rest as needed.

Find a healthy physical outlet for your anger

It's natural to be angry as you're getting over heartbreak. For your health, it's critical that you process it rather than have it settle into a future heart attack. Express it by working out, punching a pillow or taking up boxing at the gym. Play loud, angry music. Scream alone in your car. Write an angry letter (don't send it). Can you guess what you shouldn't do when heartbroken? Scream at someone else. Use email or texts as a weapon. Destroy property. Hit anything alive. Employ revenge tactics... no matter how juicy. It's not cool. But I bet you knew that.

Relentlessly uncover your relationship patterns

If you're getting over heartbreak because of a relationship, get clear about what went wrong so you don't have to repeat it. Feeling brave? Ask yourself ‘Why did I create this situation?’ For even if you just broke up with someone who was into bad behaviour — it was you, who chose him (or her). More than once...

Not only to date, but to sleep with, move in with, marry, have children with, all of it. Your relationship wasn't one decision on your part, it was millions of decisions. While getting over heartbreak, what you want to know is: why did you make the choices you did? And — what do you need to do to confidently make new choices and repel that type of energy in the future? Forgiving infidelity

Choose to accountably accept responsibility for all of your choices in life, because however difficult, it's more empowering than being a victim. Long-term — you will feel better about yourself and more empowered if you take this approach.

Get professional support

Fact is, we're forced to learn Calculus, but we're not taught ‘getting over heartbreak’ in school. And! It's not fair to over-burden our friends. Asking for help when heartbroken is not a sign of weakness — quite the opposite: it's an act of courage and strength. Help for you might be in the form of counseling, coaching or a good therapist or personal development retreat. Or — it might be self-motivated through reading. Some resources below.

Coping with divorce

Get clear about who you are and what you want

You're through the worst of it. Now, what about the rest of your life: Who are you? What's important to you? Why? What do you believe about the world? What's your purpose in this life? Why is this important? Because the more we understand ourselves, the happier we'll be whatever our circumstances.

Have a transition ceremony to mark your new beginning

Committed to moving on? This is me grinning! My friend Barbara Densmore is a professional celebrant, and fellow Canadian. I helped edit her site on celebrancy and found myself in tears more than once reading what she does for her clients. A transition ceremony is a beautiful idea to consider when getting over heartbreak.

Resources for getting over heartbreak

Conversations with God — Book I by Neale Donale Walsch

A non-dogmatic look at questions we all have about ‘God’ (insert your own word). Great if you're getting over heartbreak as it has a surprising description of the purpose of relationship in our lives, which I've found quite healing. Dig deeper into his work and you'll find some luvly wedding vows as well, based on the CWG philosophy.

Buy Moondance by (me) Karen M. Black

Can getting over heartbreak be fun? Well, not really, but being swept away for a few days in books full of heartbreak stories you deeply connect with is always a good thing. Moondance is addictive fiction about life, love and the nature of reality. Written by yours truly — when I was seriously heartbroken (writing this book helped me get over it). Reviews from folks like you

The insightful recordings of Lee Harris, Energy Intuitive (especially good for empaths, healers and people who are more on the sensitive side - I am one).

And while you're at it...

Also make sure to check out the articles listed below. Each have a slightly different message and a range of resources, so be sure to read them all.

Here's to you... radiantly! Getting over heartbreak

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Take me to:

Overcoming a broken heart – Eight empowering actions you can take now to ease your pain and get you on a healing path.

The purpose of heartbreak – Yes, there's a reason. There really is. Here's what I've learned...

Handling a broken heart (again) – Six reasons why it happened again (and how to heal and let go for good).

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